I didn’t intend to write about suicide today…
I once reached a point in my life so deep in heartache and suffering that I thought, aloud… “I would trade every amazing moment to come, to be free of this unbearable aching now.” It didn’t happen overnight, but it ultimately led me within half a thumb twitch of ending my own life.
The memory humbles me every day. Every amazing moment since. Every single time I wake up. Every single time I see the sun set, or a friend smile. Every time I eat a meal or hear a song or smell the rain or feel the sun on my face. Every day, all around me a million amazing moments unfold and not a single one, even the most mundane (or unwelcome), would have been worth the trade I nearly made that day.
It seems so obvious now. So simple. So clear. Life rocks! So what the heck am I rambling about? Well I didn’t intend to write about suicide today, but if you’re on the cusp of it, know fully that you are also on the cusp of something remarkable… a new beginning, a new love for life, far beyond anything you have ever imagined possible. A life that wouldn’t even be possible without the sadness that now engulfs you. For as crazy as it sounds, that unbearably broken, lonely, lost, hopeless, aching, heartbroken, devastated place… is pure magic. It’s pure gift. It doesn’t matter if it took you days or decades to reach such depths, if you hold on, if you carry through, if you bear the unbearable, there is a life ahead for you that is pure joy.
I know how impossible this may seem to you now. When I was there, nothing mattered. Living was suffering. Life was unbearable. I ached for everything to just stop. To end. My eyes were raw with months of tears. The anguish in my soul would literally fold me over in pain. The lucky moments in between I was numb, fully abandoned to any desire for life or love or food or friends or breath. And when I made it through the worst of it, the months/years that followed dealt a hand so excessively inequitable that it capped off the suffering with utter personal, professional and financial annihilation (some of it still present in my life).
So I’m not here to tell you it’s gonna be easy. I’m here to tell you it’s gonna be worth it. Every horrible bit of it.
No matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes you, DON’T EVER GIVE UP ON YOU! You made it this far for a reason! I don’t care if you have to crawl your way out, cry your way out, fight your way out, learn your way out, or abandon everything you’ve ever known, been or believed, DO IT! If you’re looking for a sign THIS IS IT. You Matter. Your life matters. Your soul, your heart, your untapped incredible being matters!
Ya just gotta keep bouncing. Much love ❤️
Posted via Christopher Spiewak’s Wordpress Blog