What is this shameless self-promotion about [Christopher Spiewak]? Are you kidding me? Am I really speaking about myself in the 3rd Person? Did I just put a link to this blog, in this blog?!? Yup.
It has a lot to do with The First Half of the year. Or maybe the 1st month of the year. Or maybe really, actually, entirely, The Second Half of 2009. What a horribly heartbreaking nightmare. Thankfully though, as with all nightmares, we eventually wake up and go on smiling with our day! Ok maybe in this case it really wasn’t that simple. It was more like waking from a nightmare only to realize I was actually sleep driving my car, at night, into a tree…. SLAM!!
Outcome?!… Basically permanently crippled for life. Outlook?!…. pretty psyched anyhow! Yeah I could spend all day wishing I’d done things differently but sometimes “differently” is only an option in hindsight. Sometimes, we simply don’t realize how sleepy we are when we get in the car and once were out there, lost and weary, the way back (or the way out) is no longer visible. Sometimes it really takes crashing full speed into a tree before we earn the perspective we need to find our way out… fully humbled, heartbroken and one leg short.
So truly, I am so thankful to have received this THOROUGHLY UNWELCOME news today because it brings some closure to the process and wraps up The First Half right on time!! I “lost a leg” but gained a life. It means July 1st forward, The Second Half, is ever further a new beginning! It means 5am running mountain trails howling hands to the sky in exponential bliss beneath the sunrise of the Colorado foothills. It means a renewed focus to manifest the impossible. And SOOO much is still possible.
God I love my life!!
I’ve been a technology geek for as long as I can remember. I love the digital, the wired, the ridiculously nerdy tech! I love the infinite applications you can run or create or apply to the idea or problem at hand. I love being able to research whatever, whoever, whenever, wherever (within reason of course ;) I love having 10,000 songs and 10,000 photos in my pocket! I love being able to see and share instantly with friends and family. I love being able to tweak code to make software do what I want (well, some of the time anyhow). I love how second-nature technology is throughout my life but at the end of the day I still miss the feel and intangible texture of everything not digital. I still walk around with a little notebook and two pens. I still write letters by hand. I still read printed books and hang photos on my walls. I still love the sound of a cello before me to speakers above me. I still cherish the experience of an old faded photo or textured old painting to their flawless digital counterparts. Oh and ohh how much do I still love (and miss) hand written letters. There’s simply nothing like holding a page in your hands threaded with the words of someone you care for. Often covered with the smears and smudges, sand and smells, tenor and tears of the person who wrote it. I’ve saved so many of them over the years. Post cards, love letters, the tiniest little nothings that hold a timeless (in)tangible quality that is simply unmatched by all things digital.
[Christopher Spiewak] June 21st 2010.
It is ASTONISHING to me that the Summer Solstice is upon us. It seems just moments ago I was tumbling through knee deep snow at Chatauqua but here it is, the LONGEST day of the year (and official 1st day of summer)! I’ve truly loved this year. Despite the worst experiences I have ever known, I have still been blessed with an EVER deeper gratitude for the littlest gems in every breath of life.
Though it seems I spend most of my days/nights/hours before this computer screen, the moments in between are enraptured with the smell of summer flowers, sweet trees, and afternoon rain drying out of the bark and bugs and pine needles in the sun. I love the pace alone, the little moments from step to step, through the trees or streets or wildflowers. I love just sitting by the creek, barefoot in the sun. I love the calm of tea and books and rocking on the swings as the sun goes down. I love the smile that overtakes me as I walk by the toddlers playing in the fountain. I love that what truly matters, matters and what never did, no longer does.
I love the days getting longer even as they ironically, on this 1st day of summer, begin again to get shorter. I love realizing that no matter how long (or short), full (or empty) the day, that I at last appreciate it all without expectation. No plans, no money, nobody, just me and this overwhelming gratitude for this day, this summer, this life. – x
“A Work of Art… is not a living thing that walks or runs. But the making of a life. That which gives you a reaction. To some it is the wonder of Man’s Fingers. To some it is the wonder of the Mind. To some it is the wonder of Technique. And to some it is how Real it is. To some how Transcendent it is.
Like the 5th Symphony it presents itself with a feeling that you know it, if you have heard it once. And you look for it, and though you know it you must hear it again. Though you know it you must see it again. Truly a work of Art is one that tells us, that Nature cannot make what man can make.” – Louis Kahn
“I believe that man will not merely endure. He will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.” – William Faulkner
I can not for the life of me put into words how profoundly, deeply and entirely I miss, love and hope for this little one. He taught me more about life & love & family than anyone I’ve ever known. The story of why he’s no longer in my life is immeasurably painful but I wouldn’t trade the worst of it for a single day without him. He was truly the greatest part of my year (Jan2009-Jan2010). Today’s his 3rd birthday. I’ll likely never see him again. It still breaks my heart every single day. Every day. So much love for you little man. I miss your super excited laugh. I miss hearing every new word. I miss playing at the pool and the park and lifting you out of your crib in the morning. I miss finding your shoes, crackers and half eaten apples in my printer. I miss watchin batman & makin you toast. I miss you so profoundly much I simply can not put it into words. But I will always be infinitely grateful for all you taught me.
To the future and for the past…”bump – peace – holla!”
I know I’ve been working way too much when my automatic internal response to some mishap in real life (like knocking over a cup of tea) is “Command-Z!” I can’t help but laugh at how intensely my brain repeats “undo, undo, undo” as the tea spills out over my desk.
No matter how illogical, some spot in my brain is actually wondering WHY it’s not working?! Ohh but how sweet it would be right?! Command-Z oil-spill, Command-Z business-deal, Command-Z bike-crash, Command-Z choices, Command-Z relationship.
Ohhh, if there were ever a year i’d like to Command-Z it would be this one. Well not all of it of course but maybe just those few foolish choices that added up to some profoundly painful lessons. Though I suppose those lessons are really the whole point of this life… not something to be undone but something to learn from.